4/24/2006 Listen to the signs that say "Don't approach wild elk on foot."

This morning, we awoke to a small herd of elk - small meaning one buck and four doe - grazing in front of our campsite. We sipped tea as we gazed upon these gorgeous beasts munching on dewy grass. We weren't the only campers at the Pioneer Valley campground in Redwood Park. Swarms of RVs and a few tent campers also surrounded us. On the other side of the clearing between us and the elk were two RVs parked side-by-side.

From the RV side, we heard dogs barking. So did the elk, who were being barked at. Instead of wandering off, the elk decided to investigate the small creatures causing such a raucous. These elk weren't scared of shit. So they moved closer to the RVs - about 300 meters ahead of us. Slowly, the RV inhabitants - the type you might expect to slither out of an RV - began peaking out their metal doors.

Let me set the stage here. Our campsite is like a baseball diamond. We're at home base, the RVs in middle field, and the bathrooms on 1st. And the elk sit smack dab in the middle of everything at pitcher mound. In other words, there's no direct way to reach the bathrooms without passing the herd of elk.

After the elk investigate the barking, they decide to snack closer to the RVs. Apparently, elk have a penchant for cocker spaniels and mutts. The barking stops. The elks continue eating. And Mac and I continue sipping. Slowly, the RV peeps make their way to the bathroom without problem.

Then the fun starts. One of the ladies decides to take her cocker for a walk to the bathrooms. As she gets closer to the bathroom, the elk creep closer - the buck always in front. Each elk resembles the size of 4 large people dressed up in a horse uniform. They're taut, muscular animals which can run up to 35 miles per hour and "are unpredictable," or so the scores of signs state all around us.

About half-way to the bathrooms, the woman begins noticing that the wild beasts step in tune with her. She starts to speed up. The elk become more alert, pointing at the small furry cocker who's no longer barking but scampering in pace along with his owner who has definitely quickened her pace. At this point, the woman and her little dog have the elk's full concentration. The RV woman begins looking for her getaway plan, which happens to be a picnic table adjacent to the bathrooms.

Mac and I, still in mid-sip, look at each other and realize the immensity of the situation. This woman and her little cocker are about to get trampled - or raped - by the elk. So we get up and do our good deed for the day - we yell, hiss, and stomp at the beasts like real, warm-blooded mammals. The elk move away and the woman scurries off to the bathroom, where she hands her husband the leash and releases her undoubtedly loose bowels.

You'd think that was it. You'd think that yes, indeed, the signs are correct that say "elk are unpredictable animals that charge when approached on foot." Umm. Apparently not. One of the other RV guests - who, let's hope hasn't caught whiff of the cocker-elk episode- decides to get close to the elk for some pics. You can imagine the outcome. The herd herds him over to the notorious picnic table where the woman almost got mauled. Again, someone has to bail the guy out of the jam. But after doing our good deed for the day and realizing that these people need more than a good screaming at, Mac and I just keep on sitting and sipping. The man gets away.

Two things I learned from this morning: 1. Heed wildlife signs. 2. Never ever ever buy an RV. It reduces your IQ by at least 20 marks.